Hang up.

I know, it has been awhile.

2010-02-11T17:35:00.000-08:00

The last time I wrote was in December. For the record, I started an entry on January 2, which read something like this:

It's a new year. It's a new decade. It was both a huge pleasure and a huge relief to use the double newness as an excuse to start my own holiday traditions and a fresh lifestyle (see post 1). In my quest to value the holidays for reasons self-discovered, I found both the trueness of many popularized Christmas themes AND ways to accept that which fell outside the periphery of acceptable holiday activity. More importantly, "the holiday spirit" found me in ways I hadn't imagined. Perhaps the big secret of the season is that it finds you when and where you least expect.

But in the universe's typical fashion, as soon as I felt like I had gripped on to some sense of illumination, something close to a small universal truth, I was whipped flat on my butt. Part of the "letting go" mentality that I'm trying to adopt is preventing me from being too specific, these things have happened over the course of a month and I'm still trying situate them more digestibly in regions of my heart and mind. And then of course, there are some things that you simply can't and would never want to let go of... Here's the month in sum:

Norman:

I'm writing about Norman first because his story is absolutely the most important. People often imagine that they could swap lives with someone, most the time with someone rich or famous or powerful. When I think about who I would want to be, if given the opportunity, it's Norman. Hands down. Generally, I am an aloof and introverted person. Because this is my nature (if I don't come off this way, it's because I'm trying), I spend a lot of time in public listening and observing. Norman is everything I wish I had in me; he's vivacious and curious, has a tenacity for life and learning and does both very well. He's genuinely interested in everyone, and can walk into a room and immediately make friends with most people. Not only that, he's nurturing and caring and brave and brilliant. So when seventy-three percent of Norman's body was burned in a fire, I felt guilty. How could such a bright light be hurt so badly when a far less-magnetic person is carrying on as usual? Well, I'm never going to figure out how the fairness of the world works. To this day, Norman has hundreds of people on the edge of their seats, following his recovery. Though I may worry about Norman, I won't be scared for him anymore. He would think that's silly, after all. Because for Norman succeeding isn't really a possibility, it's definite. It's just a matter of time.

They say you can never go home:

Well, for me, that's the truth. Let's leave it at that. But the stress of living like somewhat of a nomad has taken up a lot of time, and has finally settled on a pretty peaceful setup, thanks to so many people. I've said it before; family is who you make it, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Clean:

So in the wake of a falling out with my mother, the hospitalization of a friend, and the mounting stress of so many foreboding decisions, I was stress drinking, caffeinating, and many other awful things. I decided to do a four day cleanse/detox. Today is the fourth and last day, and bodily, I feel great. The Clean Detox is a little untraditional, you have various specific smoothies for breakfast and dinner, and eat very specific solids for lunch. Truth be known, I'm starving, probably because I'm one of the most coffee drinking, starch eating, sugar consuming people out there. But I am noticing huge differences in the way I feel, my moods, my appreciation for food and for sitting down with a meal. It's been a very good experience, and not incredibly difficult, I would highly recommend it. Here are some of the things I came up within the lunch boundaries, and actually they were all pretty fabulous.

Cool and KFTC:

Recently I was sitting at the Nach Bar, drinking something potent and pondering so many things that I've normalized in recent months. I think a bar, like English Court, is as good a place as any to observe the anthropology of hierarchal social systems and their implications. I started to work some of this out in my mind, how research could be conducted, who would be at the top of the tower, and so on... when I realized something: I don't care. I don't.

This realization came as a surprise to me because there was a point in my life where I actually was really concerned about peoples perception of me and my world. I guess that's part of growing up, you realize that trying hard to be something or in something that doesn't come naturally is an infinite waste of time. Yesterday was the KFTC I Love Mountains Day Rally in Frankfort. I Love Mountains Day is a peaceful reminder to Frankfort that people care about preserving mountains, streams, Appalachian heritage and health, while demanding initiatives toward clean energy and green jobs. Like all things, there are certainly social and political motives for people to involve themselves with philanthropic enterprises, however most people just really care about an issue. For me, this was a golden reminder that I am genuinely far more interested in issues unrelated to any social ladder or landscape: I'm interested in justice and education and fairness, in not blasting off some of the most biologically diverse and oldest mountains on the planet, in equality, dendrology, immigration, so many things. Anyway realizing that I don't have to change anything about myself to garner any sort of "identity" is really quite comforting. And though I probably will always soak up the scene, it's comforting to know that I'm just a tourist, passing through.

Last Call

2009-12-14T19:11:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to get used to at least one freakishly warm day amidst weeks of cold in the Ohio Valley. Today, the universe blessed Louisville with not only warmth, but blue skies and a gentle breeze. The beauty of it all had me thinking about pagan Yule traditions, which celebrated the solstice, the onslaught of winter, and the oh-so-necessary moment of peace when nature is temporarily free from its food producing duties, and can finally rest. I interpreted the enjoyable temperature as nature's "last call" of sorts, a final chance to easily and comfortably embrace its company without layers of extra clothes or gear. Winter officially begins next week.

In my quest to shape a new Holiday mentality, I took advantage of the weather and set off with Lucy to one of my all-time favorite places... the Bernheim Prairie. In the words of Gwich'in Elder Sarah James, "we must always give thanks to that which sustains us; earth". What better way to celebrate the coming season than to spend time with and give thanks to the places for which you are most grateful? I wanted to wish Bernheim the winter sleep it deserves.

The Holiday Problem

2009-12-01T10:42:00.000-08:00

It never fails, every holiday season I am left questioning my culturally constructed idea of family. As an American, we have a clear picture of what family is supposed to be, and the types of things that are supposed to occur during the holidays. Popular media is obsessed with the healing powers of this time of year, and teaches us that no matter what deep-seated differences exist among kinfolk, the spirit of the season will cast them all aside. Certainly this is true to an extent, or for a moment; but when the tables are cleared, is everything really as picturesque as it "should" be?

I learned from a very young age that family is who you make it. My father's death and the emotional absence of my mother left me seeking other sources of familial nutriment. Luckily, the search resulted in a powerful handful of friends, who I am convinced could move mountains if given the opportunity. To be clear, I love my biological family and wouldn't trade them for the world. But if family is the lifeblood, compiled of people who consistently challenge you, support you, offer advice or guidance, who are actively and genuinely interested in your life and accept you for all that you are; are those same people your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles? Luckily many out there could honestly answer "yes". However, aside from the incredible relationship I have with my three sisters, I have to honestly admit to myself that no, they aren't.

Realizing that your family does not really fall under the traditional American idea puts one in a holiday conundrum. For example, you may ask yourself: if cousin so and so can never come out because uncle so and so lives and breathes by the words of Pat Robertson; or if aunt so and so is filing bankruptcy because she's boozing away her income; and if the unspoken estrangement of cousin so and so has left a giant awkward elephant at the table; how will we then unite, love one another and resolve our differences in one crystallizing moment of holiday spirit?

A less-than-perfect family life is not the problem. Obviously, every family has their quirks and issues, making weirdness more of a norm and less of an exception. The popular idealized notion of Christmas has become an American obsession that hardly allows breathing room for anything that falls short of It's a Wonderful Life. This is the true holiday problem, and it is reinforced by enormous capitalist agendas which are all vying against one another in attempt to sell you their idea of holiday. I'll quit rambling. The point to all this is that I'm sick of feeling like I'm being spoon-fed a tradition that isn't mine. This winter, I'm dropping the corporate, idealistic construction of holiday. I'm accepting the debts, gossips and disconnects in attempt to just enjoy the moment for exactly what it is: ordinary and imperfect.

You have to start easy.

2009-11-22T12:36:00.000-08:00

I am the direct descendant of a serious hoarder. Like her, there was a point in my life when I felt I had to keep everything. Because I considered meaning to be directly correlated to object, I feared that without the tangibles, I would lose emotional significance. This notion is not only WRONG, but it is dangerous.

There are things to keep, and there are things that paralyze you when you come across them. The latter you must get rid of, because really, what are they doing for you? This realization activated a period (which really frustrated my roommate Morgan), when I became throw-away-happy and decided to ditch nearly everything in my path (including Morgan's groceries, sorry love). Both extremes are dangerous. There has to be a healthy balance between keeping and throwing away, and the same is true for intangibles. Which behaviors, activities, ideologies, memories, etc. are helping me, and which are not?

Personally, I am of the unfortunate ones who, inspired by their sense of duty to a variety of things, fill their thoughts and lives with meaningless, obligatory, hyperbole, unhealthy shit. This practice has become so second-nature that I hardly even notice, and then suddenly I'm stressed out, knee-deep in a situation that I don't actually care about, or making a big deal of things that don't really affect me. In order to break the cycle, a delicate balance is necessary. I'm not exactly sure how to find that balance, so I have to start slow. Today, I asked myself: what is something I can definitely weed out of my life, and be happy because of it? Today, myself answered: cover bands.

Last night, by some weird twist of fate, I ended up at one of the most horrifying bars that I've ever been to: Steinert's. There were old women in halter tops and young women with Bump-its as far as the eye could see. Most of them were grinding on one another or mouthing the lyrics to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" to their boyfriends. The band was headed by a front man who sported a muscle tank that showed off the tribal tattoo encircling his bicep. He was passionately singing and gesturing provocatively, but not playing an instrument (I was told he's not great at simultaneously doing both). All the girls swooned as he held the mic to his lips and said, "this next one's about naked chics". Thank God for Barley Island's Dirty Helen, which was helping me transform my anger into a more approachable state of annoyance. Also thanks to Dirty Helen, I came to the joyous realization that I could easily never witness a cover band ever again, and thank myself for it later in life. I'm not saying that musicians in cover bands aren't talented, because often the opposite is true. But because there's no way I can't consider a CB somewhat tragic (especially the crowds that follow them), and because those tragic sentiments will inevitably leave me questioning the decency of humanity, I'm just going distance myself from any type of CB activity. I nearly never see cover bands, so this is an easy start to my simplification process. Yet, already I feel somewhat lighter.

Garbage

2009-11-21T12:50:00.001-08:00

According to my older sister, who obsessively tries to live by the ancient wisdom of the Enneagram, I am personality type number four. Part of four nature is to intensify feelings, hang on to issues and objects far beyond their expiration dates, and to actively seek out a melancholic and/or deeply emotional life. Fours are often incredibly self aware, and sure enough, exposure to the Enneagram has engendered an increasing awareness that indeed; I am hyper-romantic, idealistic, and seriously dramatic.

My two best friends and lifelong partners Morgan and Jenny could have told you this by the eighth grade. However, my recent graduation from college and ongoing effort to cultivate a very different, post-graduate life has really demanded a change of pace. Because I refuse to weave a web of meaningless dramas, lead a life of baggage-laden melancholy, or intensify emotions for some elevated, delusional sense of purpose; I have made a commitment to pick off convolutions one at a time, and seek a firmer grip on reality. Therefore, I am embarking on a life change that values giving up, letting go, quitting the fight, throwing it all away, moving on and hanging up.